Link: http://michelle4laughs.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/sun-versus-snow-critique-workshop.html?showComment=1423950209267#c3271717069575809609
This is my first novel attempt and my first critique ever. Critique virgin here. Please be gentle. LOL
WIP is unfinished.
Title: Frostsmoke
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 80,000ish
Query:
Dear Agent
When her brother returns repeating “find me,” Mari thinks she’s going mad. But convinced her brother is still out there somewhere, Mari finally has something she can do to fix things. She can bring her brother back. On the verge of losing everything she loves-she embarks on a quest to set things right, to restore her family, her sanity, and her future.
With portents sent by her missing brother, she unlocks the door to a world where Winter myths come alive. But entering Arctica, makes her a newcomer-an outlaw. The law on the ice is all newcomers are to be sent back before turning magic, but Mari is not going back without her brother.
Mari seeks refuge on a prison island, where she must trust a band of magical rogues to guide her off the ice. Ignorant of the laws of magic in her new world, she commits a faux pas, a major mistake--the equivalent of a magical one-night stand. Now she’s entangled in their dangerous secrets, and her emerging magic makes her a pawn in a young warlock’s quest for revenge. Mari must learn to wield her magic before she can ever navigate alone in a mysterious ancient land and bring her brother home.
Frostsmoke is a YA FANTASY WIP, still in editing.
Shanna Key is a first time author.
First 250 words:
They look peaceful, the row of little pines, all covered in their snowy blankets, it would be a shame to cut one of them today. I could take one of the smaller ones, surely that would be sensible. I really should, but I’ve got my eye on something bigger this year, so I spare the little ones and walk straight for the big fir.
Chopping with my ax, I take a last good whack into the trunk of the frost- covered fir, and the tree falls gently into the soft snow. Maybe it is a bit too big for our small house, but screw it. This year more than anything we really could use a good Christmas. And besides, my brother will love it.
“Well, what do you think?” holding it up for him to see. “Huge, isn’t it?”
He sits still and silent on the sled, his face rigid, like a little soldier, in his blue coat, the one he always wore.
“Say something” I wait. ”Please.”
I wait for some sign on his face that he understands. But get nothing.
The big tree wobbles in my arms, and I let it fall over again.
A chill wind hit my face and I freeze for a moment.
My brother is back. He’d been back for three days, but I hadn’t got any answers out of him yet. He hadn’t spoken at all.
I force a smile.
“Why did you come back, Cary?” I ask softly.
He stares at me, silent. Always silent.
***
Thanks for reading!
test comment
ReplyDeleteKudos for putting your work out in the world! It takes juevos to take the first step into crit-land, so just posting is a win.
ReplyDeleteYou've got a great concept. The query, once you settle into the meat of the story, has much better focus and tighter prose. Building on this good base plus clarifying a bit will help sell it even better.
At the moment, your query is about 340 words without word count and genre. If you'd like to include some comps, that'll eat a few more. So you're a little longer than the 250-300 sweet spot. Without the 1st paragraph, you're a little over 200 words. It establishes mood nicely, but takes up a lot of real estate for similar set-up.
The query really takes off in the 2nd pararaph. If you kick off with that 1st sentence or two, you'll lead with strength and be more likely to capture an agent's attention and imagination. Maybe something like "When 17-year-old Mari's brother returns on the anniversary of his death/disappearance repeating 'find me', she embarks on a quest to bring him back." Then you have a lot more room to elaborate on the questions opened in the next paragraphs about Arctica and Mari's adventure.
In the 3rd paragraph, "winter myths" are mentioned, but not clarified. How does Mari get to Arctica, and where is it? Newcomers automatically have magical abilities if they stay long enough?
The 4th paragraph is the meat of the story and where the big action is. The use of mistake + faux pas + equivalent feels like a lot of words that could be used to say what Mari does and why it's bad juju. Also, some more specificity about the warlock's revenge would add juicy detail that would give you even more punch here.
Overall, you've got a strong base and, with a little pruning and added details, you'll have an even better query to sell your concept and MC.
In the 250, you have really good voice established. The prose reads smoothly and sets up the crux of the story well, as well as the split opinion Mari has between wanting Cary there and being a little creeped out.
If Mari is prone to some hemming and hawing, don't let my anal retention intrude on voice. That said, the opening has a few somewhat redundant phrases that could be tightened. The part about chopping with the axe, could be cut down, too (heh heh). Maybe something like...
They look peaceful, the row of little pines covered in their snowy* blankets. It would be a shame to cut one of the smaller trees today, even if it is more sensible. I’ve got my eye on something bigger this year, anyway, so walk straight for the big fir. Maybe it is a bit too big for our small house, but screw it. This year, we could really use a good Christmas. Besides, Cary will love it.
With a few good whacks, it falls gently into the snow*.
(*It's not necessarily bad to repeat snow, but another descriptive–maybe wintry, white, frosty, etc.–would toss it up.)
From there, the interaction with Cary works really well. You do a great job of tiptoeing between relief, denial, and fear without veering too far toward any one. It makes Mari feel real.
Overall, you've got a killer concept with a good base of a query, plus a solid opening with really well-established voice and mood. Good luck with the balance of the writing and kudos again for having the nerve to put it out in the world and let we internet barbarians at it.
Thank you! You took my critique virginity! Ha ha ha!
DeleteThis gives me a great start to work with. I'm making changes already!
Hi Shanna,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for writing a book! It's a big deal and you should be very proud.
Critiques can be hard to give and to take. I have a wonderful critique group that I have belonged to for several years and I highly recommend finding one. I'm not sure it ever gets any easier to hear negative critique, but it does help to know other writers (like myself) don't want to be critical, we just want what is best for your story. :)
Query critique:
I think the first paragraph can be deleted. Start with her brother being missing, presumed dead, and yet he still comes to her. Hook us with something startling and juicy. :)
First 250:
I LOVE this beginning! You set the scene, put us in her head and there is the creepy factor. There is some minor editing things. Your first sentence needs to be two sentences. A few grammar and punctuation issues..all things you will catch if you read it out loud and run it through a grammar check. :)
All in all, great beginning!
If you get a chance I would love your insights on my work as well.
http://www.angelad.me/sun-vs-snow-query-first-250-words-critique/
Good luck!
Angela #40
Thank you! This was a great first experience with putting my work out there!
DeleteSeventh time is a charm. I've been trying to critique over the past two days and it won't let me sign into blogger on my phone and my laptop.
ReplyDeleteQuery: I think you can cut the first paragraph. It is all set up. Start with the brother, maybe a quick he was missing but not like my, something interesting.
First 250: You are a good writer. I don't know if you need the first part about cutting down the tree, unless maybe you are setting up for her excellent ax welding skills later in the book. I think you have a intriguing story. Good Luck.
Eric
Thank you! Yes, I was going for the ax wielding set-up! Ha ha!
Delete#38
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this with me! I hope my comments are useful. Let me know if you have any questions. Leave a comment on my blog: https://kamerhesthebestthingsince.wordpress.com/
Query:
+ Is there any particular reason why the first few lines are holding back the mystery of the “family tragedy”?
+ After reading the first paragraph…hmm…”the bridge where her brother was last seen”—I like the mystery. But I’m left wondering… Does everyone in town assume her brother committed suicide? If so, can the “family tragedy” just be called such? Then later maybe Mari discovers this isn’t the full story…
+ What are the repeated disturbances? I’m curious ‘cuz they’re obviously pretty disruptive if the police are involved and threatening to have her committed. But…I can’t easily imagine what one could do on a bridge that would involve police, besides threatening suicide. Is there a way to be more specific about the “disturbances”?
+ She can’t move on until today…? What happens? But then her brother “returns” so… confuzzled.
+ “When her brother returns”—makes it sound like he’s corporeally there. But the rest of the paragraph suggests that Mari just sees some kind of apparition of him.
+ Third paragraph—Arctica… whoa—what? The set-up of the first two paragraphs did not prepare me for that. I didn’t find the shock of that as a good kind of shock. But that could just be me, so you should definitely see if anyone else has that same reaction.
+ A magical one-night stand—okay, equal parts intrigued and confused. Is there any way to make that more 100% intrigued?
+ Okay… so what percentage of the novel is in the real world vs. the fantasy world? I would recommend making your query match that division somewhat. In other words, you might condense the first two paragraphs (which might make my earlier comments moot) and either expand the last two or leave them as is. Also, I get a little lost in regards to her stakes once she’s in Arctica. Obviously, you state she’s looking for her missing brother and that’s totally clear in the query, but I don’t get a hint of how she’ll go about finding him. Is the young warlock’s quest wrapped up in the mystery of her missing brother? Can you elaborate on that?
First 250:
Delete+ Comma splice in the second line: “They look…snowy blankets”—ind. clause, “it would…today”—also an ind. clause. You need to separate them with a semi-colon or a full-stop.
+ Another comma splice, third line: “the smaller ones, surely that”—comma needs to be a semi-colon or a full-stop
+ “holding it up for him to see” is a sentence fragment—add “I ask” or change to “I hold it up…”
+ “A chill wind hit my face”—I think you mean “hits”
+ The mood is nice. Everything reads very smoothly, but I do agree with Mich Masoch in regards to condensing the first paragraphs.
+ There is a certain creepiness when the brother shows up mid-page; however, I think this might be my impression only after reading the query. If I hadn’t read that, I may not get that same feeling. Is there a way to fit some kind of shock statement in the middle somewhere, like “My brother’s been back for three days, which is weird because we buried him last August”…OR… “My brother has been back for three days and hasn’t talked to anyone. The anyone I get because they can’t see him like I can. But me—I just don’t understand why he won’t talk to me”…OR… something—although probably something that better fits your story. I wish I could give better suggestions, but I just don’t know the specifics of how her brother disappeared or what everyone else—like her parents, the police, the town—has assumed happened to him. Anyway…my point is I think you’re missing a punchy statement like that somewhere around the last 100 words with the brother. And maybe some creepy way he looks. The staring and not talking are definitely giving off that vibe, but maybe just one more thing to really sell it. Maybe something that’s just slightly off…about the soldier way he sits or his blue coat.
+ I really like how you handle the length of your sentences and paragraphs in the second half of your first page. Very nice!
Thank you! Thank you! This was amazing! I have broken out the grammar manual an gone to town with edits! :D Thank you for such a thoughtful critique!!
DeleteHi, congrats on finishing your book - many writers never get as far as you have. The thing that strikes me about the first paragraph of your query are the number of pronouns it contains. I'd suggest taking some time to consider what you want in that first paragraph, outline those items, then re-write the paragraph focusing on those items only. Your first 250 shows that you can put the words together, let your focus lead you to clarity in the query.
ReplyDeleteThe first 250 shows a lot of promise. During your next edit pass, I'd recommend cutting -ly adverbs especially in the early pages of the book. A writing book I can't recommend strongly enough is The First 5 Pages by Noah Lukeman - it explains all of the things agents/editors look for in the first few pages of writing samples and how what they find there can cause them to reject a work from reading as little as one page. I read it after spending about six months flailing around editing my own novel. It helped a lot.
Hope this is helpful!
Thank you! I will check that out! You've inspired me to revise the query to keep it more focused!
DeleteHi Shanna,
ReplyDeleteI'm #43 on the Blog Hop.
Your query has a lot of good elements-extended grief for her brother turning into a fantastical tale of she might be able to save him. Overall its a little wordy, see where you can tighten it up by cutting some of the details. I would condense the first paragraph and leave out the last sentence of paragraph 2. The phrase "turning magic" in the 3rd paragraph is a little awkward-you mean "before acquiring magical abilities," right? Paragraph 4 is good, but tighten this sentence by leaving out the part I bracketed: Ignorant of the laws of magic in her new world, she commits [a faux pas, a major mistake--]the equivalent of a magical one-night stand.
250: I really like this. You do a good job of showing us something is off about this scene with the brother, mentioning the silence, the soldier-like quality, the jacket he always wore, and the fact that he's back. I'd like to have more sense of when and who from this, though. Had I not read the query, I might think the MC is a boy and this could be anywhere/anytime from a fantasy world to 100 years ago to modern day. Overall, though a nice, haunting quality.
Thank you! You've given me some great tips for revising!!
Delete