Sun versus Snow Critique Workshop (After Party)

Thank you Michelle and Amy for the great opportunity to get query feedback for the future!

Link: http://michelle4laughs.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/sun-versus-snow-critique-workshop.html?showComment=1423950209267#c3271717069575809609


This is my first novel attempt and my first critique ever. Critique virgin here. Please be gentle. LOL

WIP is unfinished.

Title: Frostsmoke
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 80,000ish

Query:

Dear Agent 

17-year-old Mari is struggling to finish high school. It’s been one year to the day, and she hasn't been able to recover after a family tragedy. She can’t even think of going on to college with her boyfriend. She knows he’s tired of waiting for her to get better, and there’s nothing she can do as he breaks up with her, nothing she can do about the local sheriff threatening her with commitment for causing repeat disturbances on the bridge where her brother was last seen, and nothing she can do about causing her dad and grandfather to worry. The last thing she wants to do is hurt her family, but she just can’t move on--until today.

When her brother returns repeating “find me,” Mari thinks she’s going mad. But convinced her brother is still out there somewhere, Mari finally has something she can do to fix things. She can bring her brother back. On the verge of losing everything she loves-she embarks on a quest to set things right, to restore her family, her sanity, and her future.

With portents sent by her missing brother, she unlocks the door to a world where Winter myths come alive. But entering Arctica, makes her a newcomer-an outlaw. The law on the ice is all newcomers are to be sent back before turning magic, but Mari is not going back without her brother.

Mari seeks refuge on a prison island, where she must trust a band of magical rogues to guide her off the ice. Ignorant of the laws of magic in her new world, she commits a faux pas, a major mistake--the equivalent of a magical one-night stand. Now she’s entangled in their dangerous secrets, and her emerging magic makes her a pawn in a young warlock’s quest for revenge. Mari must learn to wield her magic before she can ever navigate alone in a mysterious ancient land and bring her brother home.


Frostsmoke is a YA FANTASY WIP, still in editing.
Shanna Key is a first time author.




First 250 words:

They look peaceful, the row of little pines, all covered in their snowy blankets, it would be a shame to cut one of them today. I could take one of the smaller ones, surely that would be sensible. I really should, but I’ve got my eye on something bigger this year, so I spare the little ones and walk straight for the big fir.

Chopping with my ax, I take a last good whack into the trunk of the frost- covered fir, and the tree falls gently into the soft snow. Maybe it is a bit too big for our small house, but screw it. This year more than anything we really could use a good Christmas. And besides, my brother will love it.

“Well, what do you think?” holding it up for him to see. “Huge, isn’t it?”

He sits still and silent on the sled, his face rigid, like a little soldier, in his blue coat, the one he always wore.

“Say something” I wait. ”Please.”

I wait for some sign on his face that he understands. But get nothing.

The big tree wobbles in my arms, and I let it fall over again.

A chill wind hit my face and I freeze for a moment.

My brother is back. He’d been back for three days, but I hadn’t got any answers out of him yet. He hadn’t spoken at all.

I force a smile.

“Why did you come back, Cary?” I ask softly.

He stares at me, silent. Always silent.

                                       ***

Thanks for reading!